Crossroads

December 30 2003
by Ayanna Gillian
Self Empowerment Learning Fraternity, Trinidad and Tobago

The URL of this article is:
www.rootswomen.com/ayanna/articles/30122003.html


When I was little I used to have this dream. I was in space with stars all around me. It was as if I was a part of them and a part of the universe all around me. I was alone but I was happy and knew that I was not really alone. It felt very right to me that I should be there and the fact that I had nothing holding me up was irrelevant. I knew I was fine and would not fall.

I have not remembered that dream in years. In more recent times that dream has been replaced by the image of an older version of myself, holding on to a chair or something equally as unstable in a room with a storm swirling all around me. All I have to do to escape is to let go, and be guided through the storm by a channel pulling me upwards but the lure of the familiar and the fear of the unknown and untested keeps me holding on, hoping for dear life that the object to which I clung would hold, at least until the storm passed. Well anyone with even half the sense given to them would know that to hold on to something unstable in a storm is a surefire way to get blown away. But when our emotions are directed toward matter we ignore our ability to reason. We sit like children having a tantrum, covering our ears and eyes attempting to block out the truth and give credence to a lie. We scramble for the familiarities of shifting sands rather that trust our true selves and our ability to fly.

But in this journey there is no looking back and there is no holding on. It is imperative to reflect on our personal histories, but once we have made the shift to realign with the essence and have been made aware of and acted upon better, to return to lesser is no good. We can try all we would like, but the universe is certainly not created to bend to our limited desires. Its laws are fixed, like the steel foundation that holds up the most beautiful and complex of structures. While the first breath of freedom is blissful and full of wonder it is at the inevitable crossroads between understanding and acting on what we have understood, between continuing to hold on and trust the instability of matter and really letting go and trusting the force that draws one upward that we are tested.

It was at this crucial moment, when I got a true glimpse of the magnitude of what I had begun to undertake, that I faltered. The biblical tale of Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt for looking back to the burning city of Sodom and Gomorrah is indeed a useful myth, although most do not understand it for what it can truly mean. On the path toward reconciling oneself with the universal essence, the nostalgic and petty desire for old ways, the old life, the old ‘you' is just that, nostalgia, for there is no place for us in that old life anymore. It has become nothing more than a valuable part of our own individual history, a building block for our future, but it is no longer the road that we walk.

Like Lot's wife I looked back on the life that I left behind and instead of recognizing it for what it was, only a part of my still continuing journey, I ran back and held on blocking truth and shunning reason. I did not know that my mortal days were over, that I would never find peace there again or that anything I put before my SELF and the sanctity of my own development would undoubtedly be short-lived. I did not know that all that had fit would now chafe at my spirit, that all I had found beautiful would now be ugly and that all I had so dearly loved would cost me the brief glimpse of truly PERFECT love that I had been privileged to receive. But indeed the way of experience for some is the best teacher and I had to get a glimpse of hell to really desire heaven.

The truth is, anything that is not aligned with the universal essence cannot last and only that which is eternal will stand against the maelstrom. All our lives we search for this stability. We seek it in wealth and social status, in our biological families, our churches and communities. Because we have no concept of any other we seek it in the familiar, in the things of this world. Most all we seek it in relationships of romantic love. While we are drawn to those who can advance our evolution or guide us to necessary experiences to fuel our growth, we seek to bind ourselves to these people, to find fulfillment, unity, stability, completeness and love in something that is bound to and by matter. Just as I tried to do, we seek to hold on to that which is unstable and hope that it will get us through the storm, or even distract us from realizing that there is a storm at all.

The only real stability comes out of traversing that which is unfamiliar yet ancient and from being stripped of much that we may once have held dear. All that we have known is no good, all the old rules no longer apply and nothing that is of the world of matter can stay. It becomes like the Albatross round our necks, weighing us down and keeping us back. As we move through this process of refinement it may feel as though all that is good and familiar and safe about the world is now lost, and much that we have held on to may go in the process. But we must trust this new SELF that we have found within us for it is our only hope of putting us ‘right side up' again. I had to lose just what I was holding on to and feel much pain to learn that lesson. But I have begun to realize that what may feel like loss in the swirling of emotions was really just the clearing of old habits and limited understandings to make way for the ALL, the true and perfect love that I had always desired.

It is here I stand, not out of the crossroads, but with a better understanding of the perfection of natural law. There are no shortcuts and no loopholes and the universe will not bargain with me to make me feel better. The key to this new existence is order, DIVINE ORDER and it is only in this order that we can move closer to the essence of ALL THINGS.

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